Hi guys!

I've joined Wordpress.

If anyone out here still reads my blog, please join me on https://jimmylou.wordpress.com/ :)

I may still post here, but not too sure at this point. I will see.

At the moment, I'm just enjoying Wordpress.

x

twenty fifteen.

it's 2015! happy new year to everyone out there in cyberspace. you are all amazing and beautiful.

2014 felt like a big year. a lot happened, emotionally. i feel like 2013 was a lot more action-packed; full of travelling, social activities and this aching crush on a boy.

2014, i went through a lot. i made terrible, terrible decisions that hurt me and hurt someone i cared about. i found out it was due to my character, and had to search deep inside myself. it was hard, being confronted with your darkness - but i can say i know myself a lot better now. as for knowing myself entirely, i will quote a girl i met the other night, "will we ever truly know ourselves?", i'm not there, but i'm steps closer.

i lived with two of my best friends in 2014, which turned out to be so incredibly fun. but, incredibly difficult when the two of them didn't like each other. it was awkward at times. but i really enjoyed living with them both. i lived with two cats, and realised just how much i love animals, and i need them in my life.

me and a boy i had a crush on for two years finally started something in 2014. it was hard. we started something so casual, that turned into something incredibly passionate. it was ridden with troubles & anguish, but with a friendship and passion so strong we just could not part from it. when we came across obstacles in our way, we dealt with them the best way we could, which was not always easy. we came so close to giving up so many times. each time nearly broke my heart.

we are still on this journey, him & i. i don't know what the future holds, all i know is that i care about him with every fibre of my being and he me. he is an incredibly special person. people like that you don't come across often. i am looking forward to 2015 with him, in whatever style or whatever form we will be in.

i'm three days into 2015, and i'm already sensing a change. i have spent years doing most things for other people, and not always for me. okay, i am the kind of person who gets a lot of enjoyment out of helping others and making other people happy. and i will continue to do that, no matter what. it is who i am. but what i'm going to focus on, is only doing it when i want to. when i feel strongly about it - the person i'm doing it for.

i don't want to simply say yes to everyone; it ran me into the ground at times last year. i was running around, busy, trying to please everyone by doing anything and everything. there were blurred lines when it came to what i really wanted to do, and what i was doing because i felt like i was obliged to.

i'm already feeling a change. i want to spend more time with myself. yes, i do want to continue to be social and spend time with the people i care about, but i want to also give myself time to just be. i can't thrive without that. i am always reminded of that whenever i walk into a bookshop alone, feeling myself suddenly calm as i browse the books. it's a good way to just breathe.

so, bring on 2015. it'll be a year of no money, as i try as hard as i can to save for my move over to the UK (eeeep!), a year of job instability (my fixed term contact ends in June, but here's to new opportunities and to push myself!), a year of figuring out more about myself, and putting what i've learned to the test.

love you all. stay cool.

x

all the words//no words

We hadn't talked for a while. Our minds, probably working overtime, me watching the cars go by, and he watching the traffic. Everything went dark as we sped through the Terrace tunnel.
I poked him on the leg; refraining from touching him physically hurt me. I was over it. "Hey, you. I like you."
He smiled at me, and said "I like you too. In fact I -"
The loudest and most annoying motorbike echoed through the tunnel, our attentions changing from each other to that, scrunching our faces up. We talked about the motorbike. He turned up Tenerife Sea on the radio.
"Did you hear what I said before?" he asked.
"That this was a song for me?"
"Before that."
I thought. "No."
He smiled, and shook his head. He probably wouldn't repeat it.

A minute later, he turned to me. "I said, in fact, I think I love you." 

And for some reason, I was speechless.

pole//things

Lately, I have been loving vanilla shake M&M's, re-reading the Harry Potter series, writing my dreams down in my dream journal, beginning to write my novel again, eating out at new restaurants (Burger Liquor, here I come), coffee every morning before work with le boy, pole dancing classes... *record skips* um, whaa??

Last night I did my first ever pole dancing class - and my whole entire body aches. It was fantastic. I learned how to do twirls, pole climbs and ways to get from the floor and standing in a sexy way (!!). It's not easy, but it was incredibly uplifting and a self-esteem booster. I looked at myself in the mirror and watched my body move in ways that I never thought it could. I could see everything. I could see how round my butt is, how small my waist is, how large my hips are. But it wasn't a bad thing. I told le boy, "I noticed how wide my hips are" and he said "you can't change that, it's who you are. embrace it," and that is so true. 

Tara & I are pole dancing again next week, and rocking our femininity! It really was a way for me to feel amazing in the skin I'm in, and realise that yes I am a woman and I can be powerful, and ultimately sexy. 

x

you're the only home i'll ever know.

"and in a parallel universe

it's me you can't resist."

t swizzle speaks the truth.

"In the world we live in, much is said about when we are born and when we die. Our birthday is celebrated every year to commemorate the very instant we came into a world, and a funeral is held to mark the day we leave it. But lately I’ve been wondering… what can be said of all the moments in between our birth and death? The moments when we are reborn…

The debate over whether people can change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don’t make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn’t it wild and intriguing and beautiful to think that every day we are new?"

- Taylor Swift, 1989.

memories//moments

"There are places I'll remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends, I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all."

There's a song I've recently discovered again that my mother adores, and it is "In My Life" by The Beatles. It's a beautiful song, about remembering the people that have been in your life, throughout the years, and how much they have impacted your life.
This song takes me back to the nights where my parents and I listened to records, dancing, chatting.

My mother has wanted this as her funeral song since before I can remember. Yesterday as I was pouring through Lauren Conrad's amazingly beautiful wedding photos (I have mega wedding envy, like you wouldn't believe...see the pictures here!) I found out that "In My Life" was the song that she walked down the aisle to.

And now listening to this song, I can see how magical that would have been.

It made me think, though. All my life I have held onto memories and made myself sad, nostalgic and stressed when these moments were over, and that was that. They were over. And I tried so hard to recreate them. Growing up, I was extremely close my nephews. We all kind of grew up together. I was older than them, but we were still children. We had a Christmas tradition of staying at my mum's house, make gingerbread men and take a photo of us three atop a hill overlooking the river. We would take a photo at the same time every year.

People grow. Lives change.

We are not thirteen, eight and five anymore. My oldest nephew has joined the army and moved in with his girlfriend. The younger, has turned 15, is starting to grow facial hair and I haven't seen him since Christmas. We haven't done our tradition since I was twenty. It's been five years. But that's what it was.

We were young. We were free. We were able do to these things. We can't always come together and be exactly as we were when we were children.

Moments are moments. Memories can help you retain them. They don't ever really leave. You can pull them out of your memory bank whenever you need them. I now grasp that idea, after 25 years of trying so hard to recreate these moments, or hold onto the past.

My parents & I haven't listened to records for a while now. But we always talk about it.

thou art enough.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.
PAINT IT ON YOUR MIRRORS,
ON THE BACK OF YOUR EYELIDS,
DROWN IT IN YOUR STOMACH,
SING IT IN EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
YOU ARE NEVER TOO MUCH.
EAT YOUR FOOD,
SLEEP EIGHT HOURS,
WALK LIKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
SAY IT IN YOUR SLEEP,
MANTRAS TO CARRY YOU THROUGH YOUR DAY.
THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH OF YOU.
YOU ARE A THIRST THAT IS NEVER QUENCHED.
I CRAVE YOU WHEN YOU’RE AWAY.
I LOVE EVERY PIECE OF YOU.
BUT I CANNOT MAKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF

— michelle k (via see-what-eye-see)

i don't wanna wake up lonely//i don't wanna just be fine

"I remember a time when a kiss on the hand was enough,

'cause we knew we were free, & we knew what it was to be loved."

“Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.”

—	Anna Quindlen, Every Last One

bad hab.

I do, like, 90% of these. I like to say that I don't use my flatmate's shampoo or chew my lip all that much. Or maybe I do. 

yes

“We’re not dating, but we’ve come to trust each other in such a way that when people look at us they think, ‘Oh, they’re so close. They must be a couple.’ But an intimate relationship doesn’t have to be sexual—he turns me on intellectually and we wholeheartedly enjoy each other’s company. We feel that we’re each other’s surrogate true loves.”

- Portraits Of Boston

friday night//500 miles

How beautiful is this song?
x

x

i'm getting better//my old self

"I can never say what I want to say," continued Naoko. "It's been like this for a while now. I try to say something, but all I get are the wrong words - the wrong words or the exact opposite words from what I mean. I try to correct myself and that only makes it worse. I lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. It's like I'm split in two and playing tag with myself. One half is chasing the other half around this big, fat post. The other me has the right words, but this me can't catch her." She raised her face and looked into my eyes. "Does this make any sense to you?"
"Everybody feels like that to some extent," I said. "They're trying to express themselves and it bothers them when they can't get it right."

- Norwegian Wood, Murakami

scratch my back & tell me a story.

well, honey, scratch my back and tell me a story,
written with the tips of your fingers.
a story no one will ever know but you, though i try and guess.
i get it wrong each time,
i can feel "i love you" but i don't tell you, smiling into my pillow.
push back my fringe, and say nothing. that gesture alone is enough,
enough to get the heart racing, and the heart knowing.
let's buy hot chocolates and stare out the window at people,
making up stories, laughing,
speaking as if we are them.
tell me about your childhood friends, embarrassing stories about yourself,
that i find endearing, and you find horrifying.
embrace me,
really embrace me.
rub my cold feet & hands between yours; keeping me warm will be your mission for tonight.
scratch my back and tell me a story,
written with the tips of your fingers.

george//henry//love

Henry sat up and looked out to sea. "Maybe happiness is just finding the right people at the right time."
"But how do you find them?" George said.
"Just run them over."
George was then suddenly interested. "But say you do find the right people - how do you love without smothering them?"
Henry looked uncertain.
"How do you not suffocate them with all the love you've built up in their absence?" George said.
Henry thought for a moment. "You don't," he said. "And that's the whole point - it works in a way it just wouldn't with other people." 

- Everything Beautiful Began After, Simon Van Booy

the disappearance of eleanor rigby.

"Where are we?"

"Some place good."

stories we tell//

Stories We Tell

This movie was so powerful & it will stick with me for a very, very long time. It was told so beautifully, from the perspectives of many different family members and friends of filmmaker Sarah Polley, showing the importance of storytelling and differing perspectives when it comes to the truth. It was a beautiful, moving documentary. Definitely a must-see. 

Check out: -- 17 Life Lessons From Stories We Tell

"I will go on."

Looking//understanding

"Do you ever just look at people? I mean, really look at them," he asked. 

He always had a beautiful mind.

Today I went to a book shop and spent my lunchtime with the books. They're basically my best friends. I take in the smell, the beautiful covers, my eyes scavenge the blurbs, make a mental note of books that I want to read. There'll be a million of them now, worlds waiting to be read. Lessons waiting to be learned. 

I headed back to work, strolling Willis street in purple tights and a 50s style dress, "Another Day (The Art Of Flight)" in my ears, and I really looked at people. I looked at people who were in love, who were eating on their own, people who were alone but not lonely, people who were alone and lonely, people laughing, people with their own lives & thoughts going on beneath the surface. 

I have my own life & thoughts going on beneath my surface. I am going to love who I want to love & send that love out into the world. It will return to me one day. I know I am capable of loving and I know now that I am also capable of being loved.