late night run.

throwback wednesday.

why is it that the two boys i've ever dated lived on the same street at some point? holloway road, aro valley. a dark, dingy but very vintage street.
when i went for my run tonight i ran past michael's house; i was thrown back to 2009, playing poker in the lounge, losing horribly. scrumpy hands, michael throwing up out the window. making spaghetti bolognaise for everyone. the horrible shower. those kisses...those conversations, flooded back to me.
i was tired by the time i walked (puffed) past christie's house. no lights were on. this house i visited 5 times max. his mattress on the floor, books in boxes everywhere, unpacked. his business magazines. his brother on his computer in the corner, cracking jokes. he was one of the funniest people i've met. watching alexander on the laptop. tickle fights. dancing in the kitchen.
they don't live there anymore; the houses are slept in by others, making their own memories, good, bad, maybe they will run past these houses one day and remember the good times.

i got more than i bargained for on this run. i met two gorgeous kittens who i immediately become bff's with (!), and i was forced to remember everything about my ex boyfriends.

c'mon eileen!

If you know me, you'll know that I love this song. And my dancing is pretty amazing. Pauline just said "That songs reminds me of you!" and I said "I'm just saying, this song's gonna be at my wedding."

And we're gonna dance like this:



I can't wait for my wedding, even though I don't know when, where or to whom. I've got an image in my head of what it will be like, though. It'll be awesome.

x

love yourself.

forgive yourself the nights you climb into bed full-face of makeup, too tired to take it off. forgive yourself the days when one latte is not enough, when the two major food groups are coffee and sugar. forgive yourself that one night when at two am you woke to use the bathroom and inhaled an entire chocolate bar instead. forgive the time spent with a man you now have not one nice thing to say about. and forgive just how long it took to get over him. he was not good and not kind and he is not your fault. keep some secrets closer. forgive yourself for actually loving the gentle curve of your hips. and to hell with a society which suggests you might not or should not. they herald your womanhood, the man you marry will lose himself in them, they will hoist groceries and children. they are sturdy--anchoring you firmly to this earth. forgive the nights you cannot sleep--sadness or some unnamed force pressing heavy on your chest. forgive the mistakes of the last several years. so you made them. okay. enough. move on. the mistakes and the fault-lines, they are the foundation. forgive yourself that you did not choose an easier path. and forgive yourself the sadness you caused those around you. the broken-promises and cutting words and the things left unsaid. fear was large and biting. forgive the anger you feel. feel it and then look again with kinder eyes. forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. the path is not done, the road is not finished, why are you trying so hard to rush the whole thing? celebrate the fact that your story has some major departures. go ahead and use that expensive serum that promises to diminish those fine lines. protect and preserve your skin. but when the day does come when forehead creases no longer fade into the background, give thanks. humanity made visible! you will be loved all the more for this. you will love yourself all the more for this.  and please, for the love of all that is good and holy forgive yourself for loving a man who cannot love you back. love him anyway. send that love into the world and let it fill you up. the only way to know the story is to go out and and write it. live your way into it. ferociously. begin to live and work and fight and love with an unparalleled ferocity. let fear dictate nothing. unfurl your chest, you have all the armor you'll ever need. see with wide eyes and don't forget to laugh.

- Meg, at her amazing blog (my favourite blog of all) 

les miserables.

i dreamed a dream that anne hathaway was amazing and flawless and made me cry with her performance. that girl deserves her golden globe!



i went to see les miserables on friday night with pauline and nick, and it was amazing. aaaaaaamazing. we all went in knowing that anne hathaway would be fantastic, but i can't really describe the way the cinema went silent during that scene and my breath caught in my throat and how I basically bawled my eyes out. oh, fantine.

post holiday thoughts.

i've realised lately that my independence is such a big part of me. i love my independence; it's like the air i breathe, without it i don't feel like myself. i suffocate without it. i'm the kind of person that although loves human company, needs time to herself to really thrive.

i went home for the holidays, and it was faaaaantastic! i enjoyed every moment of it. four of my sisters have children, and their kids are my favourite things in the world, apart from my sisters. i love spending time with them, playing cranium, swingball, reading stories, drinking with the 16-year-old. it was being home for christmas with my family that really made me realise how much i do want kids one day, but i don't want them now. i honestly can't wait to have kids...one day. for now, i'm happy. i'm happy doing the things i want to do. i'm happy saving up to travel, having time to myself to just be me. to read, to write, to travel, to wait for the right one to come along.

i'm 23 and i'm alive and i realise that one day i will be 50 and wonder where the time went. i want to look back on my life with fond memories, smiling at the things i've done, laughing at the embarrassing moments and the things that could have gone better, frowning at the mistakes i made. i realise now. you have to appreciate your youth, because it doesn't last forever.