Merry Christmas!

They got cars big as bars, they got rivers of gold, where the wind blows right through you it's no place for the old, when you first took my hand on that cold christmas eve, you promised me broadway was waiting for me.

You were handsome,

you were pretty,

queen of new york city,

when the band finished playing they yelled out for more.

Sinatra was swinging, all the drunks they were singing, we kissed on a corner then danced through the night.

I HEART CHRISTMAS!

So much fun getting a surprise stocking, with a hilarious Hannah Montana chocolate figurine in it...ahahahaha thanks mum.

Cute nephews buying me a canvas print to put on my wall, a weird one at that, but adorable.

Mason buying me a dog teddy, saying "Remember that day you saw that big dog tied up outside Countdown and you said to me 'Mason I'd love that dog for christmas!'? I got it for you'.

Flippin' cute.

Baby Toby in his santa clothes!

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute x10.

Hilarious that our family conglomerated around the food table the whole time, typical us.

I love our christmasses.

Now to Auckland to visit a bff!

kids.

Children's tv shows annoy me now! They're so whiney and obvious and unrealistic, I guess I would think differently if I was a kid...
But I watched My Friends Tigger and Pooh or whatever the other day and it was like...oh goodness. I guess I grew up with Cow and Chicken, Tom and Jerry, I Am Weasel. No wonder I turned out a little kooky.
ahahaha.
yeah, they just suck. some of them do.
bring on the old stuff!

Rest.

Bye, Marg!

Have a safe journey to whereever you will end up. You'll be happy, without pain, without suffering. Let's hope, anyway.

Even though you did not make it to christmas day, you sort of had a christmas. When mum brought your christmas tree home after you passed, I knew that in some ways you had your christmas. Just earlier, that's all.

See you one day!

PS. merry christmas!

sup.

how great thou art.

Thanks Aim. Thanks a meaaaan lot for the chat. You always know me so well, honestly!

You're right, it is my first death. I was five when Nannie died; in the photo around her coffin, I'm smiling. I'm smiling at something, something five year olds smile about. I didn't really understand. I touched her skin and said it was cold. I drew a picture with the smoke coming out of the chimney, saying that was Nannie going up to heaven.

But this is my first adult death.

Oh, it feels weird saying death, death, when she's not dead yet. Oh, it feels very weird. But that's what it's like at the moment.

She may pass away at any time. She cannot talk, she cannot see, she cannot do anything.

She's my stepgrandmother but she's a part of the family, and it hurts. Especially when my grandfather cries. I'm a funny person who can't handle others in pain or hurting.

Even though I did not know her as well as I should, and I know that many people did not like her, but I know she deserves to go with happiness. Please smile, and know that you had a great life.

And know that my grandfather loved you. He loved you enough to leave his wife for you.

ugh. It feels weird saying that. But I'm not bitter. Life is what it is. My nannie was happy with herself, she moved on after you left. you did what you had to do, even if it hurt like hell at the time. If I had been this age back then I would have been bitter.

But I wasn't, and life has moved on.

So, Grandad, I know it hurts.

And Margaret? I'm sorry, mate.

A song for every occasion.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

In My Life.

I read my diary like a book last night. It made me laugh, it made me smile, I loved it.

I'd only written about 10 pages but reading it made me realise how I've changed over the last two years that I've had diaries. I less focus on the negative sides to life.

It's good.

POSITIVITY.

I've always been positive though, because life's too short. Negativity in other people scares me a little. But I'm a massive worrier. My worrying makes me go a little crazy sometimes. I suppose it's in my DNA, I can't really help it. But you can attempt to change it, and perhaps make it a little better in the attempt.

I worry because I care about other people too much. People who don't worry either, a) have a knack for resolving problems without hurting people and without worrying, or b) don't actually care so much about other people and do whatever they, deep inside their own heart, want. They follow their own selves.

Naaaah. I don't want to run over other people in the attempt to follow through on my own wants and my needs.

So, in that case, maybe I'll keep worrying. Just a little bit. Not too much...I'll try get a healthy balance.

:)

lovin' you this way.

and everyone I've loved before, flashed before my eyes.

and nothing mattered anymore,

I looked into the sky.

lilac.

This girl is so beautiful! Eeeeeee!

She radiates beauty.

P.S: I don't like him. I like other things. I'm going to put my soul into this thing I'm writing. I keep getting writer's block,

but I'm going to persevere! I'm going to write, write, write every day.

I'm in a rut. R U T.

Someday, my prince will come.

What will you look like? Where will I meet you? When? Will you look like I thought you would look or will you be extremely tall with short hair? Will you be funny, loud, shy, quiet? Will you...enjoy talking? Talking is important. Will you know all the words to The Eagle's Greatest Hits and Addicted To Love? If not, will you balk if I do? Will you listen to records with me with a bottle of wine and laugh at my getting tipsy? Will you laugh lots and not be afraid to cry? Will you be there?

I'm pretty excited to meet you.

one day.

I call your name in the moonlight.

I WANT A COOKBOOK. I am obsessed with them.
I WANT MICHAEL BUBLE'S ALBUM. Because he is rather cool.
I WANT BOOKS. Just because.
I WANT A TEACUP.

but we can want want want our lives away, and get nowhere.
I might go to the movies by myself. There's so many movies to see, so little people to see them with!
Sweet. It's a plan. Might see you in there.

Twelve days of Christmas

I'd kinda like many things.
But most of all, I want my grand family.
Guess what I've realised in the past couple of days? Love comes in the form of two boys.
As we played darts, as we rode the motorbike together with the wind and rain in our hair, as we listened to records and laughed every time the record got stuck,
as we watched Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead,
and kayaked down the river,
as we kept saying "Fail" everytime we made a mistake - "Kayak Fail" *as we hit into each other's kayaks*, "Tea fail" *as I spill my tea*, "come-to-catch-up-with-gran Fail" *as my sister drives up the drive to see mum but mum's not home* "Twentieth-Century-Fox-Tune Fail" *as Jack tries to whistle the tune as we watch a movie*.
Little inside jokes that make me gaffaw, knowing that they're kooky like me, make me realise how much I LOVELOVELOVE them.

They are not only my nephews,
but they are my friends.

Me: "Oh god, I'm gonna fall asleep soon."

Jack: "I don't have any trouble staying up late, it's really easy for me."

Mason: "Oh, you're an inspiration, Jack."

Jack: "I try, Mason, I try."

I feel like I'm finally living life as a teenager, when I'm not even a teenager anymore. Ironic! you said it, Alanis.

One of the best feelings in the world, one no one can ever take away from me, is listening to my favourite songs cruising in the car, with the windows down (or up, I suppose it doesn't matter!) :).

Especially Fleetwood Mac. Oh, tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Music is so glorious, it lifts you up, it teaches you things, it makes you smile, it makes you cry. Who invented music? The cave men? Kudos to them! Sometimes I just want to jump in my car and drive simply to listen to the music.

I think that's why I love driving so much.

To be honest, if my car didn't have a radio, I wouldn't like driving all that much.

Reservation Road.

Grace Learner: "Mrs. Wheldon was wondering if youd like to play in the school concert. Maybe practice with her after school. You dont have to do anything you dont want to do."

Emma Learner: "Can you hear music if you're in Heaven?"

Grace Learner: "Yes."

Emma Learner: "Okay, then. Ill do it."

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel.

You can't go wrong with Michael Buble! When he sings and when he talks is two different types of heaven - I can't explain it.

He looked unbelieveable at the Australian Idol final. Phwoar.

"You're the swimming pool on an August day,

and you're the perfect thing to say. And I can' t believe that I'm your man,

and I get to kiss you baby just because I can."

The Wrestler.

If you want to watch a movie, watch this.

I watched it this afternoon with a can of coke and tears spilling out of my eyes, and as a result I've had the weirdest evening. You know those movies where you can't really get over them? You have to TELL people about them and then they don't respond in the way you want you get sad? This happened to me. When it was over I layed back and listened to the credit song roll by.

Oh, this was amazing.

Mickey Rourke was beautiful. His face, his body, his voice, his eyes, the way he breathed. He oozed loneliness. Even though he was torn up and rugged and his muscles were as big as my head, he was... so soft.

And lonely. Not to mention lonely. I have no idea why I have a love affair with lonely characters in books and movies, but I just do.

I LOVED IT!

Thank you life for bringing this wonderful movie into existence which made me realise that... oh, god, what did it make me realise? Like everything? That people get lonely? That people make mistakes? And people have to do things to make it right again.

"I just want to tell you, I'm the one who was supposed to take care of everything. I'm the one who was supposed to make everything okay for everybody. It just didn't work out like that. And I left. I left you. You never did anything wrong. I used to try to forget about you. I used to try to pretend that you didn't exist, but I can't. You're my girl. You're my little girl. And now, I'm an old broken down piece of meat... and I'm alone. And I deserve to be all alone. I just don't want you to hate me."

tik tok

The hardest decisions are the ones that concern other people as well as yourself.

No matter what people say, expectations are always there.

And we do care.

It's because we care about other people and how they feel about you; it's human nature, we want them to be happy.

But it can really be difficult, the expectations.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM! is what we need.

gold.

There are way too many ridiculously good looking people on this earth.

i'm her yesterday man.

I have a thing for tall, dark brooding men who say little, and native Americans with long hair and have become hard and tan under the sun,

and generally "I have a thing for people who have a thing for me".

oh, William.

My great-great-great-grandfather has published three novels and I haven't read a single one.
My project for this summer: read them!
So I can learn who he was, his life, his feelings, his thoughts. He's a part of me and I'm a part of him...

I'M EXCITED!

a person.

She is an amazing person.

It was one of those nights where you are so wowed, so confused, so enlightened, by someone you hardly know.

She is so worldly and so OUT THERE.

She told me her entire love story over drinks at Havana, amongst the clouds of smoke and indie drinkers; her love story was beautiful. Even though it's painful, and tragic, and depressive, and completely unsolveable, I wish I could have a love story like that. Where you love so passionately and so violently that it changes you immensely, shakes you to your core, and even though it breaks your heart you feel safe knowing that you have loved.

Well, my friend. You and me are so completely different. We're like two peas in different pods. We're like the batters on opposite teams.

But it works.

I learnt so much from you the other night.

Thanks for the lemon curd. It was freakin' amazing.

And seeing you read Janet Frame's poems? Inspirational.

love actually.

"Yeah, it looks like a dead baby's finger. Ugh, tastes like it too. I'm Colin, by the way."

"I'm Nancy."

"And what do you do, Nancy?"

"I'm a cook."

"Do you ever do weddings?"

"Yes."

"They should've asked you to do this one."

"They did."

"God, I wish you hadn't've turned it down."

"I didn't."

"Ahehe...*walks off* I now know why I don't like English girls! They're stuck up, you see. I'm primarily attracted to something cooler, game for a laugh. Like American girls. That's why I need to go to America!"

"No, Colin, you're a lonely, ugly asshole. You must accept it."

"No. I'm Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all."

?

How does he do this?

It's like he hasn't a care, hasn't a feeling in the whole world. Perhaps he doesn't know what he's doing; maybe he thinks he's being normal. Maybe he thinks I'm the one being like that.

But i'm not.

He got my hopes up so badly the other day, I was happy, I was smiling, I kept thinking about it, I couldn't wait to see him next.

Shot down.

Like an arrow.

So, how CAN he do this? To be totally honest, it's like he has schizophrenia.

Jesus, H. Christ.

:)

Home alone till Tuesday! I love being home alone; I get bored easily, but I love it. I absolutely love it.

What to do, what to do?

Tonight: Peter Pan ballet at St James! :-) My first ballet - oh Pete, please give me a goodun. I'm excited as hell.

Reading: Road to Paradise by Paullina Simons. I love her writing; I don't think I'll read the Bronze Horseman again for about a year or so; even though I really really really want to, I have to wait and let the anticipation build up. This book is brilliant, however, a good interlude. It took me a while to get into it. I didn't like Gina that much, I thought it was strange that these two girls who didn't like each other very much were road tripping TOGETHER? I meandered through it, I came to love the two girls and how different they were. It makes for a good novel!

Listening to: Working Class Man by Jimmy Barnes. Oh, he was a looker. I reckon he is ideal. It always makes my heart pound when he mentions "Well he loves a little woman, someday he'll make his wiiiiiiiiiiiiife..." cute. cute cute. I love singing this on Singstar.

Watched: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. Oh god. I watched this last night; they should have stopped at the second one! i have to say, it ain't the same without ol' Freddie Prince Jr and J Love-Hewitt. I didn't even watch the end of it.

Tonight,

da na da na na.

Tonight.

Love.

last christmas, I gave you my heart.

Christmas Time;

I remember everything, listening to Snoopy's Christmas with mum, decorating the tree and making sure Nannie's angel is always placed near the top, picking our favourite decorations with my nieces and nephews. Singing Last Christmas dramatically and swooning over George Michael.

"when i first took your hand on that cold christmas eve, you promised me broadway was waiting for me..."

Watching U Choose Top 40 Christmas songs on Christmas Eve.

Nearly crying with Mason as we watch John Lennon's Christmas song video clip.

Laughing at Bony M's funny outfits.

Watching Home Alone with my nephews and the Grinch and half of the Nightmare Before Christmas because we end up getting bored; me watching Love Actually before I sleep.

Making gingerbread men or shall I say 'ging-men'.

I love it,

I love Christmas eve better than Christmas!

& I love the people I share it with.

oh, kev.

“It was the first kiss for both of us. We never really talked about it afterward, but I think about the events of that day again and again and somehow, I know that Winnie does, too, whenever some blow-hard starts talking about the anonymity of the suburbs, or the mindlessness of the TV generation, because we know that inside each one of those identical boxes, with its Dodge parked out front and its white bread on the table, and its TV set glowing blue in the falling dusk, there were people with stories. There were families bound together in the pain and the struggle of love. There were moments that made us cry with laughter, and there were moments, like that one, of sorrow and wonder.”

Too much time on my hands!

You know what, Snow Patrol? You can take my heart anyday.

We're goin' to Jackson.

I don't know why this movie means so much to me, but it totally does.

Ever since I saw it New Years Eve, 2006, I fell in love, immensely, totally. I couldn't get enough of it.

I sing the songs in my room at the top of my lungs and swoon at Joaquin Phoenix's beautiful voice. I love music; I think it's because it has so many wonderful songs in it that makes me love it so, and it is full of romance, love and affection even though it may not seem like it does. Viv is a pain in the ass, but June, oh, June. She and John are adorable together. Wildwood Flower is gorgeous - especially when he watches her singing it with *that* look on his face.

I love it when she says "You're not nothin'!"

Because he isn't.

So beautiful.

I love those two so much.

To be honest,

It's 11:02 and i'm loving:

tea in my fave china cup, writing aimlessly on a blank piece of paper, Peter Sarstedt, writing in my blog, Will Parry, Lyra Silvertongue, hot baths, Dove body wash, broken pieces of afghan that fell in my tea that I find once I get to the bottom and stuff.

They say that when you get married, it'll be to a millionaire. But they don't realise where you came from, and I wonder if they really care or give a damn.

So, look into my face, Marie Claire, and remember just who you are.

Then go and forget me forever, but I know you'll still bear the scars deep inside, yes you do.

I know where you go my lovely, when you're alone in your bed,

I know the thoughts that surround you,

'cause I can look inside your head.

I heart Dashboard

I watch you spin around

In your highest heels

You are the best one

Of the best ones

We

All

Look

Like

We

Feel

You have stolen my,

you have stolen my,

you have stolen my heart.

It's 3am, I must be lonely.

What happens when you die?

Not to you, but to the world you leave behind? What happens to your Facebook, your blog, your twitter? Do they remain there, like a ghost of you, just waiting and anticipating?

Will people sit there and read through your Facebook page, reciting words you used to say, cry over old statuses you made, and pictures that have you tagged in them?

Will people delete you?

Or keep you?

Will people write on your Wall saying how much they miss you?

I went to one of my favourite blogs and the person hadn't updated in a long time. It made me think; what if they died? What if? You wouldn't know, their blog is just sitting there, like I said before, like a ghost of them.

This may make me seem like I'm obsessed with the internet, which I probably am, but I know there's more to life than it;

but it really makes me think.

I walk along the road wondering what would happen if a car hit me right here and now, or if a man starved of love and affection decided to take out his anger on me down a dark alley and I ceased to be.

What if?

Big wheels keep on turnin'

I've had such a realisation! Well, these realisations come and go, but I've had it again.

Life really is too short. And there's always going to be troubles, people who will act strange, problems that you face, fights, arguments, but you just have to get through it with a smile.

You always remember the people with the smiles on their faces no matter what, don't you?

Let's be one of them.

:)

SMILE, NO MATTER WHAT!

SING, NO MATTER WHAT!

LOVE, NO MATTER WHAT.

kentucky woman.

To be honest, no idea what I'm writing about, except that these kids are flippin' ADORABLE!

Heart them.

Might have to watch Narnia again :-)

mamma mia!

The show was amazing. There's nothing like a stage show to make you happy, eh?

Sky was a babe, the guys in swimsuits were cute, Sophie had the cutest accent, Voulez-Vous made me happy as hell and at the end, I didn't want all the dancing to end! And by dancing I mean everyone getting up to dance! so fun!

I'm keen to go again!

In some parts I thought, hmmm, the movie is pretty much EXACTLY the same. But the atmosphere was so much better - you don't get the amazing lights and energy from a movie screen! Rhys from Home and Away was pretty spiffy too.

oh, mamma mia.

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me S.O.S?

When you're gone, how can I even try to go on? When you're gone (when you're gone) how can I even try to go on?

So, if you change your mind, I'm the first in line.

Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me.

Made a decision: gonna go to way more shows!

heart.

Used to be my life was just emotions passing by,

then you came along and made me laugh and made me cry.

You taught me why.

He is amazing, laughs at all my jokes, I can tell him the randomest little things and he'll have a lol, he'll always be there for me and he gives me the weirdest nicknames ever. Always, no fail.

Mon pere.

Coolest dad in the world.

Parents mean so much, don't they? I can't imagine not having them; even thinking about them not being here brings tears to my eyes. It must be hard growing old and going through losing your parents. It's a weird thought, but it happens.

P.S: looking at the Australia poster on my wall I noticed me and Hugh Jackman pretty much have the same belt. LOLS.

socks and the city.

After watching Sex & the City nonstop over the past couple of days, little characteristics annoy me about the characters.

Carrie - she uses the same language to make jokes, she doesn't listen to other peoples' problems sometimes. She can be really self-absorbed.

Miranda - such a whiney voice! She can be a bitch to Steve too, jesus.

Samantha - when she flirts she gets this weird phony look on her face.

Charlotte - actually...nothing bothers me about Charl. She's adorable.

Who's your fave? Carrie's the best. Mainly because whenever I see Big I feel warm inside.

gatsby.

"In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

'Whenever you feel like criticising anyone," he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages you've had.'"

Save it for the morning after.

Sometimes things just become too much; the internet, facebook, comments, people disappointed in you, building up things way too much and letting people down.

I think sometimes, you just have to take a step back and smell the air, watch the rain tap against the window panes, stay in bed until 2pm.

The internet isn't everything.

Money isn't everything.

It doesn't matter that you don't save up every penny; spend, save, whatever, just enjoy it!

I've been thinking lately. I think Canada could be the place for me.

Even if we haven't got it all figured out yet, we will soon learn. We will always feel scared and afraid and guilty, but it will always follow with happiness and laughter and relief.

Wait for those moments and greet them.

Those moments where you smile and laugh at yourself in the mirror,

and be at complete ease.

Because, really, this day will never happen again. Make a plan in your head.

marriage.

Hi, Jacob. Will, you, marry, me?

lawdy lawdy miss clawdy.

In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep.

I've been dreaming so much about people I used to know lately. It's absolutely crazy. And I've developed yet another never-met-you-but-i-think-i-like-you kinda crush.

I saw him in New World Metro stacking shelves. I was buying Marmite.

He disappeared after a while and I kept subtly looking for him.

My sister is briiiilliaaaaaant. We are so similar it hurts.

The way we shorten every word to the smallest possible length is hilarious!

Oh, Samanth.

fallen snow.

Things That Are Awesome:

watching Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married and swooning at Gerard Butler,

singing Walking In Memphis with Gemma,

planning a wine night with Pauline who hardly ever drinks wine,

loving Will from Northern Lights! I now get why he is so brilliant!,

my new nephew called Toby!,

pictures of JFK,

Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar,

summer weather.

Things That Aren't As Awesome:

Greenpeace people that say i'm awesome but all they want is money,

people who get in bad moods,

Aisling Symes' body found :'(,

not talking to my parents much, I miss you guys so much,

but I shouldn't complain because...

i saw the saddest book of photography. It was a book documenting 2008, it nearly made me cry. SO much shit has happened lately in our world, things I hardly realised was going on. So much blood, so much sadness. Please, it's like world war 3. Can we move on?

oh, piazz.

The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like a flower,

Meet you at the statue in an hour,

Meet you at the statue in an hour.

It's kind of funny, the way we are. We made promises, we were happy.

Until we weren't.

You can never guarantee anything. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to go back in time, and make changes. But... you can never do that. You gotta just A.C.C.E.P.T.

It's come to the part where you don't know whether you're in the wrong or the other person is.

Shall I leave it be?

Perhaps.

Life's short.

Tick, tock.

yes.

"Mr Scoresby," said the witch, "I wish I could answer your question. All I can say is that all of us, humans, witches, bears, are engaged in a war already, although not all of us know it. Whether you find danger on Svalbard or whether you fly off unharmed, you are a recruit, under arms, a soldier."

"Well, that seems kinda precipitate. Seems to me a man should have a choice whether to take up arms or not."

"We have no more choice in that than in whether or not to be born."

"Oh, I like choice, though," he said. "I like choosing the jobs I take and the places I go and the food I eat and the companions I sit and yarn with. Don't you wish for a choice once in a while?"

realisations

When I jerk away from holding hands with you,

I know these habits hurt important parts of you.

Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?

Nothing like this person, unlovable.

I just want back in your head

I just want back in your head.

I kind of like how people get 0 comments on blogs.

You don't have to be read and answered. Just write it for yourself.

:)

i think i just fell in love.

SO EXCITED FOR!:

and

If I was Keisha Castle-Hughes, I'd be having a mean affair with this immense hotness.

gah.

It's 1:47am and I'm meant to be finishing a 1000 word essay.

It's pretty much just this lecturer called Alexander that is freaaaaaaking me out.

...miiiiight not take any classes that he takes next year!

He makes writing a tiny essay really, really hard.

children run like rivers through our souls.

I forget how lucky I am to have these people in my life!

James, the old man in a little kid's body.

My two fave boys.

Charley, the angel.

Jack, the weird, creative one.

Mason, the sarcastic bff.

I heart Lex but my computer is failing with a photo.

I also heart nephew-to-be, can't wait to see you!