2014 felt like a big year. a lot happened, emotionally. i feel like 2013 was a lot more action-packed; full of travelling, social activities and this aching crush on a boy.
2014, i went through a lot. i made terrible, terrible decisions that hurt me and hurt someone i cared about. i found out it was due to my character, and had to search deep inside myself. it was hard, being confronted with your darkness - but i can say i know myself a lot better now. as for knowing myself entirely, i will quote a girl i met the other night, "will we ever truly know ourselves?", i'm not there, but i'm steps closer.
i lived with two of my best friends in 2014, which turned out to be so incredibly fun. but, incredibly difficult when the two of them didn't like each other. it was awkward at times. but i really enjoyed living with them both. i lived with two cats, and realised just how much i love animals, and i need them in my life.
me and a boy i had a crush on for two years finally started something in 2014. it was hard. we started something so casual, that turned into something incredibly passionate. it was ridden with troubles & anguish, but with a friendship and passion so strong we just could not part from it. when we came across obstacles in our way, we dealt with them the best way we could, which was not always easy. we came so close to giving up so many times. each time nearly broke my heart.
we are still on this journey, him & i. i don't know what the future holds, all i know is that i care about him with every fibre of my being and he me. he is an incredibly special person. people like that you don't come across often. i am looking forward to 2015 with him, in whatever style or whatever form we will be in.
i'm three days into 2015, and i'm already sensing a change. i have spent years doing most things for other people, and not always for me. okay, i am the kind of person who gets a lot of enjoyment out of helping others and making other people happy. and i will continue to do that, no matter what. it is who i am. but what i'm going to focus on, is only doing it when i want to. when i feel strongly about it - the person i'm doing it for.
i don't want to simply say yes to everyone; it ran me into the ground at times last year. i was running around, busy, trying to please everyone by doing anything and everything. there were blurred lines when it came to what i really wanted to do, and what i was doing because i felt like i was obliged to.
i'm already feeling a change. i want to spend more time with myself. yes, i do want to continue to be social and spend time with the people i care about, but i want to also give myself time to just be. i can't thrive without that. i am always reminded of that whenever i walk into a bookshop alone, feeling myself suddenly calm as i browse the books. it's a good way to just breathe.
so, bring on 2015. it'll be a year of no money, as i try as hard as i can to save for my move over to the UK (eeeep!), a year of job instability (my fixed term contact ends in June, but here's to new opportunities and to push myself!), a year of figuring out more about myself, and putting what i've learned to the test.
love you all. stay cool.
x
