there's an animal inside.

my weekend so far.

Yup. Breaking Bad happened. 

I'm onto episode 12 of season 5, and I can't stop and I won't stop. 

#cueMileysong

"You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you — it’s something inherent.

You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise."

Daniell Koepke (via elige)

"She makes the sound the sea makes to calm me down."

oh, and this one! so beautiful. i've been listening to so much new music lately. it's been great breaking out of my usual music mould.

on a side note, i've decided to start writing again. 

x

why are you my remedy?

today's jam!

the end.

Okay, so this blog post describes my relationship and break-up situation in a nutshell. 

How did I stumble across this blog today, at exactly the right time? Weird how things like this happen. Life happens in strange ways. Perfect ways. 

My boyfriend like me so much. I knew it in all the ways he talked to me, looked at me, responded to me. I tried, so hard, to feel the same way back. I liked him, he was lovely, smart, witty and had the cutest freckles. It was comfortable with him. But it wasn't exciting. It wasn't passionate. My heart didn't race miles an hour when I saw him, it just beat at normal, regular speed. It was nice. He had the cutest wee dog and cat who cuddled up with us on the couch. But I wanted more than nice. I kept expecting more than nice. I wouldn't have said no to regular make-out sessions, but we hardly kissed. He was shy and serious, waiting for me to make all the moves. I wanted movies and dinners and dancing. I wanted tickle-fights and laughing so hard we cried.

He was planning for the future; he talked about buying a house, he talked about how great a mother I'd make, how he wanted to buy us horses and animals. It was this thinking that most girls would die for, but for some reason I balked from it and cowered from the pressure. I wasn't sure how I felt and I felt like I had to be this person that I wasn't. 

I wanted more. And in the end, he wanted more too, a different more. I slowly, and obviously made myself unavailable. I was bad at texting him back and I only saw him once a week. I was too nervous to tell him how I really felt, so I avoided it until it became too much and ended in this. And I feel bad about it, I really do. I feel like I want to tell him over and over again how sorry I am, how I wish it could've worked out, and it just wasn't the right time and place. It just didn't work out. I wish it did. I keep wondering if it could've been different, if I had just tried, or done something else. God, I wish I could have given him everything he ever wanted, to fit into him like my heart was made for his heart. 

But it wasn't.

It just didn't work. 

I wasn't in love with him. Everyone deserves to be loved, and you can't force it. It just happens. It really, really does. 

new york: a love story.

It was raining when I first saw New York. 
I dragged my suitcase out of the hot subway into the pouring rain on West 34th and Eighth. My suitcase fell into a puddle and every New Yorker standing under the shelter by the Walgreens stared at me. This crazy, tired (overnight flight from Portland, oh hey, no sleep!) kiwi girl.

But I loved it. God, it was beautiful. The beauty of the tall buildings, the new steel mixed with the old brick, the history behind everything.
I felt like everyone and everything had a story and I wanted to know it all. I took photos of people; a man reading the bible by the Hudson river, a man leaning on a railing looking upset, a happy couple kissing, people that I wanted to know all about.

Our apartment was in Korea Town, 15 minutes walk from Times Square. It had cute quotes on the wall: "You don't have to live in a world all alone. Your family are here too." (Hah)
The first day, I was lost. I didn't know where we were in relation to anything and we wandered aimlessly trying to find our bearings. The lights and hustle and bustle of Times Square became my favourite thing.

It was summer, and the heat took over my body like nothing else. We biked (and sweated) around Central Park, stopping for ice cream and hot dogs, laying in the grass.
We dropped by Starbucks everyday and drank their cold, cold summer chillers. Tara had her first ever coffee by Battery Park. We had our first New York hot dogs and watched the kids play in the fountains.

I fell in love with the 9/11 memorial and I traced all of the names of those who died with my fingertips, almost as if I was trying to feel who they were.
One of the names I remembered from a documentary I watched. I looked above me and tried to imagine what it was like 12 years ago.

Catherine & I had a museum day; 5 hours in the Museum of Natural History, 3 hours in the Metropolitan. My feet have never felt pain like that before ever, but goddamn it was worth it. What amazing museums! I got to see some famous artworks I've studied at uni, up-close and personal, and we got to sit on the Met steps like we were from Gossip Girl.

Rockefeller Center by day, the Empire State Building by night.
It was the 4th of July when was trudged up the Empire; it was still glowing red white and blue from the fireworks. The view was the most breathtaking thing I've ever seen. I felt the wind blow through my hair as I looked out over the world.

I loved the Subway.
Even more so, I loved the couple who made a bet which the girl lost; she had to read out a poem of hers on the Subway. No one said anything, and when I left I said to her, "I really loved it. That was really good." She looked at me as if I was crazy.

I could go on forever. Grand Central Station, and the Grand Central Markets (Expensive strawberries. Amazing spices and cheese). The Chrysler Building from below. Lady Liberty. The Brooklyn Bridge. Stores open until midnight. Cocktails. Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Wicked. Annie, starring Jane Lynch. Pret A Manger. NBC Experience (eeee!). Wrong Subway, nearly ended up in Harlem.

I was truly happy there, you know.
When I was there, I was already making plans to go back.
New York, I well and truly love you!

“Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t give you things to say. Forever is a long time to make small talk.”

—	I Wrote This For You: The Silence Goes For Miles

I'm emotional tonight because;
I keep listening to all the sad songs on my Itunes,
I just broke up with my boyfriend,
I watched The Last Of Us on Saturday and I had so many feels,
Work is stressful (it's fun, but...stressful),
I'm getting sick,
I miss one of my best friends who is in Australia,
Something I want will forever be out of my reach,
that is all.

#timetothinkpositive!
There are great things in my life that I need to remind myself of. So many great things.
I have a freshly made bed, my electric blanket is on, a cup of tea in my hand. I have wonderful friends and the best family. Come tomorrow, I'll be back to my positive self. Go away funk.

monday inspiration.

gravity.

"Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.

Set me free, let me be.

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity."

this.

messages to everyone i know.

You are self-conscious about your hair, but you shouldn't be because it's amazing.

You're such a great mother. When I have kids, I hope I'm just like you.

You're so adorable, even though you can be annoying sometimes. You're too cute for me to care.

You often feel left out, and I'm sorry. It's just the way it is and I'm trying my best.

You intimidate me a lot. I feel like I've kinda put things on hold because I'm afraid of what you'll think of me when I do it. But I should just do it because I want to, not because of what you think.

Sometimes I feel like we're not compatible. Other times, I think you're wonderful. I just don't know.

At random times during the day I just want to hug you. I don't, because it might be weird.

We used to be so close. It's so different now, but when we hang out together I can see snippets of how we used to be.

You just told me a huge secret about yourself. I felt so honoured to be the one you told.

I remember the time when we both did a dramatic lipsync to Foreigner's "I Wanna Know What Love Is". That was the time we truly bonded. Let's do it again.

I dream about you all the time. All the time.

You're odd. But I like odd.

You're amazing to be around. No fuss, no dramas, nothing. We sat for hours in that restaurant, talking and drinking and the time didn't pass at all.

update.

Things!

- I just finished watching Breaking Bad Season 4. You don't know how much I love that show. Jesse & Walt are the best. Now for Season 5! 

- I need to get a filling. I keep putting it off cos I hate the dentist and it makes me poor, but I have to really soon.

- I'm wearing a jumper that reminds me of a Weasley Christmas jumper and it's cute. 

- I'm in between like 3 books at the moment and I don't know what to commit to. 'Wildwood' by Colin Meloy, 'All About Love' by bell hooks, or 'City of Ashes' by Cassandra Clare? I'm thinking Wildwood. Decisions decisions. Life's hard, man. 

- I went out with my workmates on Friday night and it was the best night ever - drinks, laughs and some good ol' dancing :) I wanna go out again! #seepicturesbelow #ilovethosepeeps

- I'm going home to Tauranga for my Dad's 60th this weekend. I can't wait to hug my fam, laugh til' my tummy hurts and celebrate Dad's birthday. He's the best! 

- I've been feeling a lot lately. It's been quite hard, but I'm getting there. I'm figuring out what I want, who I want, and where I want to be. 

That is all.

Time to go read my book and sleep and dream. 

x

x

I know you want it.

Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines [Feminist Parody] "Defined Lines" from Law Revue on Vimeo.

So, this is great. Check out this amazing parody of "Blurred Lines" done by students at Auckland University. Pretty proud to be a kiwi right now.
Everyone's causing a fuss about it, but seriously, girls' got a point.