How did I stumble across this blog today, at exactly the right time? Weird how things like this happen. Life happens in strange ways. Perfect ways.
My boyfriend like me so much. I knew it in all the ways he talked to me, looked at me, responded to me. I tried, so hard, to feel the same way back. I liked him, he was lovely, smart, witty and had the cutest freckles. It was comfortable with him. But it wasn't exciting. It wasn't passionate. My heart didn't race miles an hour when I saw him, it just beat at normal, regular speed. It was nice. He had the cutest wee dog and cat who cuddled up with us on the couch. But I wanted more than nice. I kept expecting more than nice. I wouldn't have said no to regular make-out sessions, but we hardly kissed. He was shy and serious, waiting for me to make all the moves. I wanted movies and dinners and dancing. I wanted tickle-fights and laughing so hard we cried.
He was planning for the future; he talked about buying a house, he talked about how great a mother I'd make, how he wanted to buy us horses and animals. It was this thinking that most girls would die for, but for some reason I balked from it and cowered from the pressure. I wasn't sure how I felt and I felt like I had to be this person that I wasn't.
He was planning for the future; he talked about buying a house, he talked about how great a mother I'd make, how he wanted to buy us horses and animals. It was this thinking that most girls would die for, but for some reason I balked from it and cowered from the pressure. I wasn't sure how I felt and I felt like I had to be this person that I wasn't.
I wanted more. And in the end, he wanted more too, a different more. I slowly, and obviously made myself unavailable. I was bad at texting him back and I only saw him once a week. I was too nervous to tell him how I really felt, so I avoided it until it became too much and ended in this. And I feel bad about it, I really do. I feel like I want to tell him over and over again how sorry I am, how I wish it could've worked out, and it just wasn't the right time and place. It just didn't work out. I wish it did. I keep wondering if it could've been different, if I had just tried, or done something else. God, I wish I could have given him everything he ever wanted, to fit into him like my heart was made for his heart.
But it wasn't.
It just didn't work.
I wasn't in love with him. Everyone deserves to be loved, and you can't force it. It just happens. It really, really does.
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