Not everyone's perfect. Perfection is hard to come by, but why would you want it? I love imperfections. I love awkward situations, listening to small-talk, people who have a kind of sadness within them, people who need a make-over but don't get one, because they're happy with who they are, etcetcetc.

Me; I rarely say what I want to, there's so many things left unsaid, I'm awkward around people who don't talk much, I get nervous when I go to a party, I never say things in tutorials, I love reading but am quite slow at it, I will forget some things you tell me, I ignore people I see in town sometimes because I want them to say hi first, I get jealous really easily, I live inside books and movies too much, I'm immature, but

I LIKE IT!

I am the big two-oh!

Cutest card of my life from someone I don't hang out with much. It's crazy what kind of impression you make on people, an impression you never even knew.

I got two books!

- Sense and Sensibility by JA

- Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert.

plus, Whitcoulls AND Borders gift cards!

So I suppose Jamie = BOOKS haha :)

Gutted that I didn't get to talk to my parents yesterday on my birthday. They rang up at like 5.30 and thats when people were in my room, I said "I'll txt you later when I'm free" but I was never free. I really wish I had taken the call. Sometimes I get so caught up down here that I ... forget. I get homesick really easily, so I should really just talk to them more often. I love my parents so much it's not funny.

I HAVE TO SAY, handjiving to Hairspray songs was the funnest thing ever! And making up slow handjives to slower songs.

Thanks, pals.

ponderings.

If I had to do the same again, I would my friend, Fernando.
Now we’re old and grey, Fernando. Since many years I haven’t seen a rifle in your hand. Can you hear the drums, Fernando?
Do you still recall the fateful night we crossed the Rio Grande? I can see it in your eyes how proud you were to fight for freedom in this land.
There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando. They were shining there for you and me, for liberty, Fernando.

Though we never thought that we could lose, there’s no regret. If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando.

my inner world.

Have you ever felt like leaving university?

Oh, life. This is difficult. Doing four papers means I don't have time to go into any detail on any of the subjects...

Children's Lit = best paper ever. Cept I suck and haven't done enough work on it.

I wish I were smarter.

I wish I was at the end of my degree.

I wish it was enough to just be interested in something. Especially history. Everyone there has an opinion, oh, Russia this, Communism that, and I'm just like "Well, that's pretty cool, Tsar Nicholas was quite good looking, the language is grand, awww, that many people died? That's not nice."

I'm interested, I'm just not political. I don't argue with anyone about who was the best leader. I don't even know.

And modern art? Over that shit, bro.

I've never craved Da Vinci and Caravagg this much in my life. Go AWAY Salvador.

you and your worn out jeans.

aaaaaahhah.

I logged on Youtube this morning and guess what came up on my Recommended section?

Fat Aerobics. Dancing Obese Girl. World's Fattest Man Goes On Diet. Baby Thrown At Cop. World's Most Racist Australian.

AHAHAHAHA.

I watched one fat person video and now Youtube thinks I wanna watch them all. Secretly I might just watch them right now.

this made me insanely happy.

Dear Salient,

So there's this girl who is in my Stats131 class and I think she does biology as well because I saw her with a biology textbook outside CO122 once. She always sits on the right side when we have class in easterfield006 and I think she is really cute, and I am always wondering if she is someone who hates small talk, and doesn't hang out in bars, and isn't interested in playing games, and maybe we could fall in love right then and there, and maybe she would always hold my hand in public, and always smell good, and not complain that I don't make much money, and give me that feeling that I can do anything, and tell me I'm good looking, and make me feel like I'm the only guy in the world, and find it endearing instead of annoying that I like rotary phones, and enjoy with me my passion for analogue photography and manual typewriters, and love sitting on the veranda with me with hot chocolates and inspiring books, and make me feel like I'm going places, and not be a vegetarian but have moral opposition to veal, and not look around the room all the time when we're out at a restaurant (even if the whole All Blacks team is sitting 10 metres away at Monsoon Poon), and never stay mad at me for too long, and make the coffee at least 50% of the time, and bonk my brains out with great regularity, and tell me I look cool when I drive and never answer her cellphone when we're hanging out, and not talk about her ex-boyfriends all that often, and write me silly notes sometimes, and say I'm dark and mysterious even after you've known me for a while, and tell me I could be a model for the best-selling dildo, and give me backrubs on occasion, and not get mad at me when I call her when I'm drunk, and not get scared if I get really attached, and not consider it a wasted day if we never get out of bed, and have a pair of those knee-high leather boots somewhere in her closet, and not get mad that I never remember the rules for poker, and make everything all better when I have a crappy day. So today I tried going to talk to her but I got scared and just walked into Stats. Sitting in class at 11.11 I wished for her and that I was brave enough to talk to her.

Crushes-make-me-a-fool.

je t'aime

Michelle, my belle.

These are words that go together well,

My Michelle.

Michelle, my belle.

Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble,

Très bien ensemble.

It's funny, but I feel unneeded.

It's as if they don't really care what I do, really. I guess that's what you get for growing up.

You begin to make your own decisions.
But I crave the times when they were excited for me to come home, they wanted me in the house, they missed me when I wasn't there, they told me that. They wanted me to listen to records with them and watch Walk The Line and Across the Universe every winter.

They made my room look like home before I returned.

I don't feel safe anymore. It's like I do have a place to go, but is it really the same as it used to be?

tres confused. i thought i'd be comforted with that phone call, but i feel more confused than i was before i dialled the number.

i feel like ringing again.

deep sleep.

i can't sleep. i haven't even tried, i don't want to.

i'm too busy oohing and aahing over cute office pics.

hahahaha, aww jim & pam.

okay, fml. freaks over the street just began a band sesh inside their house? sounds like rock quest is chillin' across the road from me.

please, sleep, come, come to me. i want to sleep well.

you were the best one, of the best ones.

it's kind of funny, the way turning a year older can make you think. it's cliche, but it happens.

i turn 20 in exactly one week. (maybe not exactly but nearly!)

eeek.

you know how people begin to look older? you know how you see someone and you immediately place them in an age category? like, "she looks in her late twenties, he's in his early 30s..."

will i start looking like an 'early twenties' person?

i'm used to looking like a teenager. shiiit.

i wantloveneed 'me' time.

had an awkward night at work last night, fail.

drank wine, win!

walked to Shell at midnight, win.

got sore ears again, faaaaaaaail.

friend hijacked my facebook and made me a fan of Organised Orgies and numerous sorts, fail.

she made my hometown some place in Turkey, win.

i got picked on in my history tute on friday, megafail. I can't stop thinking about it, it is stupid. it made me feel stupid to the utmost because i could not say a word.

nothing but *nervous laugh* "um, i dunno."

faaaaail?

faaaaaaave.

Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?

Wayne: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

it ain't me, babe.

What do you when:

You used to hang out with someone every single day, and they used to tell you to do certain things, or give you ideas of what to do, and you believed them and you began to follow what they said.

And now, you don't hang out much anymore, so you're back to the old you. And you're happy.

You tell that person something you're going to do, and they question you, saying, "BUT, weren't you going to do THIS?"

and you think...are they right? Or are you right?

Are you REALLY happy? Or would you be happier doing what they were getting out of you?

It's kind of hard to explain.

:-)

Let the sunshine so, let the sunshine so, let the sunshine let it come.

To show us that tomorrow is eventual.

These girls are gorgeous; they make me want to go for a soothing walk, or swim, wear pretty spring dresses and walk through long grass, read lots of novels, and play cute instruments.

Eeee!

smile.

I love my mum.

And dad. I rang them tonight and got an adorable "OHHHH, hello BUDDY!" I love his voice when he gets really excited. And mum, mum, the cute woman who blabbed the entire phonecall about what to wear to my 60s birthday party. White stockings, apparently.

Want to know a secret?

Mum went to the Beatles concert when she was like 15, when they came to New Zealand, and she wore a dress with Paul McCartney's face on it. She and her friends had Beatles teatowels and put those faces onto dresses. She wants me to put the Beatles on my dress for my party, bless her soul.

i look at the sunrise,

I love that kid!

Last night we were being witty, as we always are late at night. She said something funny and I put it in the quote book - the quote book made me laugh cos I haven't looked at it in AGES. It's from my entire year at Vic House and part of this year...maybe we're not as witty as were last year, or maybe we just got lazy, cos there are hardly any quotes from this year hahaha. Last year we were on fiyaaaaaaa :-)

Me: "Your face is a pen."

Pauline: "But that's kind of a compliment...like saying your face is skinny."

Me: "So...your face is a...what's a big writing thing?"

Pauline: "Your face is a whiteboard marker?"

*Sarah got the biggest thing of popcorn ever at the movies*

Jamie: "Do you want some of my popcorn? Cos you don't seem to have much."

Sarah: "Shut up, when I said 'super' I didn't mean superdidooper..."

*me and Michael are at the hot chocolate machine*

*he's talking loudly about how he and Alex are somewhat gay together*

Michael: "It's that amazing feeling you get, you know? Don't worry, Jamie, feel free to come out of the closet..."

Jamie: "Awww, thank you! it's good to know you're there for me, you know, when I need it."

*a girl who is getting a hot chocolate stares at us weirdly, then walks away*

Michael: "Man, I hope we never have to see that girl again."

AAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY!

I am being an utter procrastinator right now. I have an essay due today and I haven't finished, yeah baby.

Time to do it. But I need to get some toast. Toast with butter and marmite, amazing.

you say you're fine.

Randomly this cute sign made me want to cry, wow. Insannnnnne to the membrane.

I really love people who help others out.

baby, baby.

Too much Singstar = sore ears. No idea why my ears hurt when I sing heaps. I have screwed up body parts.

But I'll always enjoy... "You gotta build it up, just to tear it down, soon you will find that there comes a time, for making YOUR MIND UP"

or something like that. along those kinda lines.

I love my flat. I went through a phase where I was anti-it but I realised, it's such an amazing place. Why would I get rid of it?

EXCITED FOR THE LOVELY BONES PREMIERE!

too cute.

So, so, gorgeous. I don't know why. Even though she sounds like a whiny 10 year old kid, this song always tugs at my heart strings when this girl sings it.

where do the children play?

I like childhood.

I wouldn't mind going back there; to the days I watched Jem and The Land Before Time and cried when Little Foot's mum died (oh, my, god) and thought the leaves he ate looked pretty yummy. Back to the days when my friend would faint, when we made secret clubs and made club-houses beneath trees, and the near-death experiences, ohh, those near-death experiences, when we would explore my father's mill and accidently press machine buttons. When the turkeys used to roam the farm, when the peacocks used to nest in the mill, when the possums would scare us as we walked home from each other's houses.

When I had crushes on boys from school and used to show off immensely about my cool pencil with the bird cage on the end of it. He broke it. When I swore I would never swear that day when we were climbing under the desks, and one boy said, "Don't worry, Jamie, one day you will, trust me." And I eventually did. I saw that boy the other day. He's old now and looks weird. I doubt he even recognised me.

Back to when I was afraid of Bus 1 and I had to ride it one day, for some reason, with my sand saucer; I clutched it, terrified, and when we went over a bump the sand saucer went everywhere. I still remember the way my bottom lip trembled when the bus driver sighed, staring at my 7 year old self.

Back to the days when the boy I had a crush on sold his horse to someone else and not me, even when he blatantly knew I wanted a horse. Little shite.

Back to when animals were my life. I honestly would never stop trying to save all those rabbits and mice my cat would catch. I realised that streak hasn't left me - last year I spent hours getting dried calf milk off a little bird. Weird story, but it had rained and flooded these milk bags; one of the bags ripped open and a bird landed in it. Poor babe.

Dirt was good.

Rain was good.

You'd jump in the river and sometimes pool with your clothes on.

You were young, you were free. You didn't drink alcohol. You listened to 5ive. If you were lonely you didn't think about it the way you do now.

laughing on a park bench thinking to myself;

Je ne comprends pas.

You know what I'd like? A group of friends like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.

That way it doesn't matter how many friends you have, you'll always have those girls.

I'm sick of having such scattered friends who don't know each other...I want a group, where you can wine and dine, laugh and shop, and tell everything to.

lights with guide you home.

Listening to Kings of Convenience is heaven.

heeeeeeeeeeaven :)

I want to do so many things, it is absolutely mental. I guess I'm fortunate; I have dreams, at least I have too many than too little.

I can just see myself now when I look into the future, sitting there, amongst inspirational things, writing for a magazine. Drinking coffee and being bffs with my workmates.

Taking photos.

Being a librarian.

good things come to those who wait, but you shouldn't wait too long.

=)

my heart song.

On my own, pretending he's beside me,

all alone, I walk with him till morning.

Without him, I feel his arms around me, and when I lose my way, I close my eyes,

and he has found me.

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver.

All the lights are misty in the river.

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight, and all I see is him and me forever and forever.

And I know it's only in my mind,

that I'm talking to myself and not to him.

And although I know that he is blind,

still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him, but when the night is over,

I'm alone. The river's just a river.

Without him, the world around me changes.

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.

I love him, but everyday I'm learning.

All my life, I've only been pretending.

Without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness,

that I have never known!

I love him, but only on my own.

so I'll look at the scenery.

Let us be lovers and marry our fortunes together.

I've got some real estate here in my bag.

I can't wait to:

Listen to records with my parentals,

go to America,

one day,

swim in the river when it's warm and glorious in the summer,

see my nephew for the first time (Ruben? Romy? Shaun? Archie?),

finally finish my crazy 3000 word essays,

which should be illegal,

read a book for pleasure,

go to the movies with Becky in half an hour.

live it, love it.

I can't really explain how Earth made me feel. It's the weirdest feeling. I laughed at how adorable the monkeys were walking through the water, looking just like humans.

I freaked out at the slow mo scene of the Great White jumping out of the water grabbing a seal. Holy crap. Shit my pants.

I bawled my eyes out when the male polar bear, desperate with starvation, tried to attack a clan of walruses, failing, getting those teeth through his leg.

And he realised his failure and just gave up. He lay down to die, lay down right next to the walrus clan. He was no longer a threat.

So sad, so sad. Because of stupid global warming.

I wish I could do something.

love me or leave me;

I think I just might be in love with inspirational things.

Maybe.

If I could escape anywhere, it would be that. Oh, goodness gracious me.

So, inspirational things. I love knowing that people out there feel a certain way. Sometimes people who I least expect to be are lonely, or sad, or lacking something, and are lovely. It's funny. I like it, a lot. Everyone has the darkness - good ol' Ursula Le Guin has taught me that.

Long cool woman in a black dress;

It's absolutely insane the amount of technology I'm using right now. Not actually technology per se, but... kinds of uses of technology. I feel like Mary in He's Just Not That Into You when she complains about using a blackberry and an e-mail and texting and phoning and it all becomes very confusing.

I use Facebook, twitter and now, my friends, I have a blog. Swell. I've always been a blogger. I flippin' love reading about other peoples' lives. I find people very interesting, there's always some aspects of people you can relate to. Especially since blogs or journals can allow you to say things you normally wouldn't say in person. I have used a journal since I was about 16, on and off. I remember reading one of my old journal entries and it made me laugh like Wayne's World does. It's insane, it was the funniest thing ever. I can be witty if I try.

It's 1:49am and I'm getting a cold.

But I lent one of my copies of The Bronze Horseman out finally to a friend and I'm STOKIN' IT UP.

Sail on, silver girl.

I'm nineteen going on twenty, and I still haven't got things figured out yet. I'm an adult, I have entered the world (not entirely, but as much as possible), I know the way of the world. But there's some unanswered questions.
I am a dreamer. I dream of going to the past, going to a world where you listen to records laying down, with a bottle of wine or passing around a smoke, laughing and singing, doing the twist on the carpet in bare feet. Or the time when you ran down the road and didn't care you were getting wet, and when you didn't know what anyone else was doing all the time, because you didn't read their Faceboook everyday.
Life now consists of experiences, experiences that may not be as good as you thought but having Facebook photos there to show people you were in with everyone, and in that moment, makes it so much better. What would life be without PHOTOS? Would we just have to live in the moment? Wouldn't it be nice (if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so longggg?)

Movies bring me happiness and inspiration, for love, friendship, anything. Some people say don't trust a movie; they will only let you down, but I know there's elements of truth in a movie. There is happiness and love in the world - I want to find it. I want to find it like some people have, I want a Paul Newman, I want to be his steak, and his world. My heart has been broken recently. Knowing finally what it feels like to have someone you saw everyday fade away so slowly but surely, makes me realise that...it does hurt to lose someone. It does hurt like they say.
And it does take longer than expected to recover.

I want to run and lose myself in the wilderness, I want to go live at home, I want to take a road trip with my father, I want to listen to records, and skip through a field. I want to learn the harmonica and play the piano, and play my favourite songs on it and sing along to it. I want to learn to drink wine without screwing my face up, without my tastebuds at the back of my mouth exploding like fireworks.
I want to move to Australia and live in the heat and become marmite with tan. I want to tell everyone I know what I REALLY think about them, so they know that I think they are absolutely rad, and I don't care that you lied about not coming to my party? Because I do that too?

Elenor, gee, I think you're swell, and you really do me well.

You're my pride and joy etcetra.

Elenor, can I take the time, to ask you to speak your mind?

Tell me that you love me better.