Merry Christmas!

They got cars big as bars, they got rivers of gold, where the wind blows right through you it's no place for the old, when you first took my hand on that cold christmas eve, you promised me broadway was waiting for me.

You were handsome,

you were pretty,

queen of new york city,

when the band finished playing they yelled out for more.

Sinatra was swinging, all the drunks they were singing, we kissed on a corner then danced through the night.

I HEART CHRISTMAS!

So much fun getting a surprise stocking, with a hilarious Hannah Montana chocolate figurine in it...ahahahaha thanks mum.

Cute nephews buying me a canvas print to put on my wall, a weird one at that, but adorable.

Mason buying me a dog teddy, saying "Remember that day you saw that big dog tied up outside Countdown and you said to me 'Mason I'd love that dog for christmas!'? I got it for you'.

Flippin' cute.

Baby Toby in his santa clothes!

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute x10.

Hilarious that our family conglomerated around the food table the whole time, typical us.

I love our christmasses.

Now to Auckland to visit a bff!

kids.

Children's tv shows annoy me now! They're so whiney and obvious and unrealistic, I guess I would think differently if I was a kid...
But I watched My Friends Tigger and Pooh or whatever the other day and it was like...oh goodness. I guess I grew up with Cow and Chicken, Tom and Jerry, I Am Weasel. No wonder I turned out a little kooky.
ahahaha.
yeah, they just suck. some of them do.
bring on the old stuff!

Rest.

Bye, Marg!

Have a safe journey to whereever you will end up. You'll be happy, without pain, without suffering. Let's hope, anyway.

Even though you did not make it to christmas day, you sort of had a christmas. When mum brought your christmas tree home after you passed, I knew that in some ways you had your christmas. Just earlier, that's all.

See you one day!

PS. merry christmas!

sup.

how great thou art.

Thanks Aim. Thanks a meaaaan lot for the chat. You always know me so well, honestly!

You're right, it is my first death. I was five when Nannie died; in the photo around her coffin, I'm smiling. I'm smiling at something, something five year olds smile about. I didn't really understand. I touched her skin and said it was cold. I drew a picture with the smoke coming out of the chimney, saying that was Nannie going up to heaven.

But this is my first adult death.

Oh, it feels weird saying death, death, when she's not dead yet. Oh, it feels very weird. But that's what it's like at the moment.

She may pass away at any time. She cannot talk, she cannot see, she cannot do anything.

She's my stepgrandmother but she's a part of the family, and it hurts. Especially when my grandfather cries. I'm a funny person who can't handle others in pain or hurting.

Even though I did not know her as well as I should, and I know that many people did not like her, but I know she deserves to go with happiness. Please smile, and know that you had a great life.

And know that my grandfather loved you. He loved you enough to leave his wife for you.

ugh. It feels weird saying that. But I'm not bitter. Life is what it is. My nannie was happy with herself, she moved on after you left. you did what you had to do, even if it hurt like hell at the time. If I had been this age back then I would have been bitter.

But I wasn't, and life has moved on.

So, Grandad, I know it hurts.

And Margaret? I'm sorry, mate.

A song for every occasion.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

In My Life.

I read my diary like a book last night. It made me laugh, it made me smile, I loved it.

I'd only written about 10 pages but reading it made me realise how I've changed over the last two years that I've had diaries. I less focus on the negative sides to life.

It's good.

POSITIVITY.

I've always been positive though, because life's too short. Negativity in other people scares me a little. But I'm a massive worrier. My worrying makes me go a little crazy sometimes. I suppose it's in my DNA, I can't really help it. But you can attempt to change it, and perhaps make it a little better in the attempt.

I worry because I care about other people too much. People who don't worry either, a) have a knack for resolving problems without hurting people and without worrying, or b) don't actually care so much about other people and do whatever they, deep inside their own heart, want. They follow their own selves.

Naaaah. I don't want to run over other people in the attempt to follow through on my own wants and my needs.

So, in that case, maybe I'll keep worrying. Just a little bit. Not too much...I'll try get a healthy balance.

:)

lovin' you this way.

and everyone I've loved before, flashed before my eyes.

and nothing mattered anymore,

I looked into the sky.

lilac.

This girl is so beautiful! Eeeeeee!

She radiates beauty.

P.S: I don't like him. I like other things. I'm going to put my soul into this thing I'm writing. I keep getting writer's block,

but I'm going to persevere! I'm going to write, write, write every day.

I'm in a rut. R U T.

Someday, my prince will come.

What will you look like? Where will I meet you? When? Will you look like I thought you would look or will you be extremely tall with short hair? Will you be funny, loud, shy, quiet? Will you...enjoy talking? Talking is important. Will you know all the words to The Eagle's Greatest Hits and Addicted To Love? If not, will you balk if I do? Will you listen to records with me with a bottle of wine and laugh at my getting tipsy? Will you laugh lots and not be afraid to cry? Will you be there?

I'm pretty excited to meet you.

one day.

I call your name in the moonlight.

I WANT A COOKBOOK. I am obsessed with them.
I WANT MICHAEL BUBLE'S ALBUM. Because he is rather cool.
I WANT BOOKS. Just because.
I WANT A TEACUP.

but we can want want want our lives away, and get nowhere.
I might go to the movies by myself. There's so many movies to see, so little people to see them with!
Sweet. It's a plan. Might see you in there.

Twelve days of Christmas

I'd kinda like many things.
But most of all, I want my grand family.
Guess what I've realised in the past couple of days? Love comes in the form of two boys.
As we played darts, as we rode the motorbike together with the wind and rain in our hair, as we listened to records and laughed every time the record got stuck,
as we watched Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead,
and kayaked down the river,
as we kept saying "Fail" everytime we made a mistake - "Kayak Fail" *as we hit into each other's kayaks*, "Tea fail" *as I spill my tea*, "come-to-catch-up-with-gran Fail" *as my sister drives up the drive to see mum but mum's not home* "Twentieth-Century-Fox-Tune Fail" *as Jack tries to whistle the tune as we watch a movie*.
Little inside jokes that make me gaffaw, knowing that they're kooky like me, make me realise how much I LOVELOVELOVE them.

They are not only my nephews,
but they are my friends.

Me: "Oh god, I'm gonna fall asleep soon."

Jack: "I don't have any trouble staying up late, it's really easy for me."

Mason: "Oh, you're an inspiration, Jack."

Jack: "I try, Mason, I try."

I feel like I'm finally living life as a teenager, when I'm not even a teenager anymore. Ironic! you said it, Alanis.

One of the best feelings in the world, one no one can ever take away from me, is listening to my favourite songs cruising in the car, with the windows down (or up, I suppose it doesn't matter!) :).

Especially Fleetwood Mac. Oh, tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Music is so glorious, it lifts you up, it teaches you things, it makes you smile, it makes you cry. Who invented music? The cave men? Kudos to them! Sometimes I just want to jump in my car and drive simply to listen to the music.

I think that's why I love driving so much.

To be honest, if my car didn't have a radio, I wouldn't like driving all that much.

Reservation Road.

Grace Learner: "Mrs. Wheldon was wondering if youd like to play in the school concert. Maybe practice with her after school. You dont have to do anything you dont want to do."

Emma Learner: "Can you hear music if you're in Heaven?"

Grace Learner: "Yes."

Emma Learner: "Okay, then. Ill do it."

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel.

You can't go wrong with Michael Buble! When he sings and when he talks is two different types of heaven - I can't explain it.

He looked unbelieveable at the Australian Idol final. Phwoar.

"You're the swimming pool on an August day,

and you're the perfect thing to say. And I can' t believe that I'm your man,

and I get to kiss you baby just because I can."