how great thou art.

Thanks Aim. Thanks a meaaaan lot for the chat. You always know me so well, honestly!

You're right, it is my first death. I was five when Nannie died; in the photo around her coffin, I'm smiling. I'm smiling at something, something five year olds smile about. I didn't really understand. I touched her skin and said it was cold. I drew a picture with the smoke coming out of the chimney, saying that was Nannie going up to heaven.

But this is my first adult death.

Oh, it feels weird saying death, death, when she's not dead yet. Oh, it feels very weird. But that's what it's like at the moment.

She may pass away at any time. She cannot talk, she cannot see, she cannot do anything.

She's my stepgrandmother but she's a part of the family, and it hurts. Especially when my grandfather cries. I'm a funny person who can't handle others in pain or hurting.

Even though I did not know her as well as I should, and I know that many people did not like her, but I know she deserves to go with happiness. Please smile, and know that you had a great life.

And know that my grandfather loved you. He loved you enough to leave his wife for you.

ugh. It feels weird saying that. But I'm not bitter. Life is what it is. My nannie was happy with herself, she moved on after you left. you did what you had to do, even if it hurt like hell at the time. If I had been this age back then I would have been bitter.

But I wasn't, and life has moved on.

So, Grandad, I know it hurts.

And Margaret? I'm sorry, mate.