all the words//no words

We hadn't talked for a while. Our minds, probably working overtime, me watching the cars go by, and he watching the traffic. Everything went dark as we sped through the Terrace tunnel.
I poked him on the leg; refraining from touching him physically hurt me. I was over it. "Hey, you. I like you."
He smiled at me, and said "I like you too. In fact I -"
The loudest and most annoying motorbike echoed through the tunnel, our attentions changing from each other to that, scrunching our faces up. We talked about the motorbike. He turned up Tenerife Sea on the radio.
"Did you hear what I said before?" he asked.
"That this was a song for me?"
"Before that."
I thought. "No."
He smiled, and shook his head. He probably wouldn't repeat it.

A minute later, he turned to me. "I said, in fact, I think I love you." 

And for some reason, I was speechless.

pole//things

Lately, I have been loving vanilla shake M&M's, re-reading the Harry Potter series, writing my dreams down in my dream journal, beginning to write my novel again, eating out at new restaurants (Burger Liquor, here I come), coffee every morning before work with le boy, pole dancing classes... *record skips* um, whaa??

Last night I did my first ever pole dancing class - and my whole entire body aches. It was fantastic. I learned how to do twirls, pole climbs and ways to get from the floor and standing in a sexy way (!!). It's not easy, but it was incredibly uplifting and a self-esteem booster. I looked at myself in the mirror and watched my body move in ways that I never thought it could. I could see everything. I could see how round my butt is, how small my waist is, how large my hips are. But it wasn't a bad thing. I told le boy, "I noticed how wide my hips are" and he said "you can't change that, it's who you are. embrace it," and that is so true. 

Tara & I are pole dancing again next week, and rocking our femininity! It really was a way for me to feel amazing in the skin I'm in, and realise that yes I am a woman and I can be powerful, and ultimately sexy. 

x

you're the only home i'll ever know.

"and in a parallel universe

it's me you can't resist."

t swizzle speaks the truth.

"In the world we live in, much is said about when we are born and when we die. Our birthday is celebrated every year to commemorate the very instant we came into a world, and a funeral is held to mark the day we leave it. But lately I’ve been wondering… what can be said of all the moments in between our birth and death? The moments when we are reborn…

The debate over whether people can change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don’t make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn’t it wild and intriguing and beautiful to think that every day we are new?"

- Taylor Swift, 1989.

memories//moments

"There are places I'll remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends, I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all."

There's a song I've recently discovered again that my mother adores, and it is "In My Life" by The Beatles. It's a beautiful song, about remembering the people that have been in your life, throughout the years, and how much they have impacted your life.
This song takes me back to the nights where my parents and I listened to records, dancing, chatting.

My mother has wanted this as her funeral song since before I can remember. Yesterday as I was pouring through Lauren Conrad's amazingly beautiful wedding photos (I have mega wedding envy, like you wouldn't believe...see the pictures here!) I found out that "In My Life" was the song that she walked down the aisle to.

And now listening to this song, I can see how magical that would have been.

It made me think, though. All my life I have held onto memories and made myself sad, nostalgic and stressed when these moments were over, and that was that. They were over. And I tried so hard to recreate them. Growing up, I was extremely close my nephews. We all kind of grew up together. I was older than them, but we were still children. We had a Christmas tradition of staying at my mum's house, make gingerbread men and take a photo of us three atop a hill overlooking the river. We would take a photo at the same time every year.

People grow. Lives change.

We are not thirteen, eight and five anymore. My oldest nephew has joined the army and moved in with his girlfriend. The younger, has turned 15, is starting to grow facial hair and I haven't seen him since Christmas. We haven't done our tradition since I was twenty. It's been five years. But that's what it was.

We were young. We were free. We were able do to these things. We can't always come together and be exactly as we were when we were children.

Moments are moments. Memories can help you retain them. They don't ever really leave. You can pull them out of your memory bank whenever you need them. I now grasp that idea, after 25 years of trying so hard to recreate these moments, or hold onto the past.

My parents & I haven't listened to records for a while now. But we always talk about it.

thou art enough.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.
PAINT IT ON YOUR MIRRORS,
ON THE BACK OF YOUR EYELIDS,
DROWN IT IN YOUR STOMACH,
SING IT IN EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
YOU ARE NEVER TOO MUCH.
EAT YOUR FOOD,
SLEEP EIGHT HOURS,
WALK LIKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
SAY IT IN YOUR SLEEP,
MANTRAS TO CARRY YOU THROUGH YOUR DAY.
THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH OF YOU.
YOU ARE A THIRST THAT IS NEVER QUENCHED.
I CRAVE YOU WHEN YOU’RE AWAY.
I LOVE EVERY PIECE OF YOU.
BUT I CANNOT MAKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF

— michelle k (via see-what-eye-see)

i don't wanna wake up lonely//i don't wanna just be fine

"I remember a time when a kiss on the hand was enough,

'cause we knew we were free, & we knew what it was to be loved."

“Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.”

—	Anna Quindlen, Every Last One

bad hab.

I do, like, 90% of these. I like to say that I don't use my flatmate's shampoo or chew my lip all that much. Or maybe I do. 

yes

“We’re not dating, but we’ve come to trust each other in such a way that when people look at us they think, ‘Oh, they’re so close. They must be a couple.’ But an intimate relationship doesn’t have to be sexual—he turns me on intellectually and we wholeheartedly enjoy each other’s company. We feel that we’re each other’s surrogate true loves.”

- Portraits Of Boston

friday night//500 miles

How beautiful is this song?
x

x

i'm getting better//my old self

"I can never say what I want to say," continued Naoko. "It's been like this for a while now. I try to say something, but all I get are the wrong words - the wrong words or the exact opposite words from what I mean. I try to correct myself and that only makes it worse. I lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. It's like I'm split in two and playing tag with myself. One half is chasing the other half around this big, fat post. The other me has the right words, but this me can't catch her." She raised her face and looked into my eyes. "Does this make any sense to you?"
"Everybody feels like that to some extent," I said. "They're trying to express themselves and it bothers them when they can't get it right."

- Norwegian Wood, Murakami

scratch my back & tell me a story.

well, honey, scratch my back and tell me a story,
written with the tips of your fingers.
a story no one will ever know but you, though i try and guess.
i get it wrong each time,
i can feel "i love you" but i don't tell you, smiling into my pillow.
push back my fringe, and say nothing. that gesture alone is enough,
enough to get the heart racing, and the heart knowing.
let's buy hot chocolates and stare out the window at people,
making up stories, laughing,
speaking as if we are them.
tell me about your childhood friends, embarrassing stories about yourself,
that i find endearing, and you find horrifying.
embrace me,
really embrace me.
rub my cold feet & hands between yours; keeping me warm will be your mission for tonight.
scratch my back and tell me a story,
written with the tips of your fingers.

george//henry//love

Henry sat up and looked out to sea. "Maybe happiness is just finding the right people at the right time."
"But how do you find them?" George said.
"Just run them over."
George was then suddenly interested. "But say you do find the right people - how do you love without smothering them?"
Henry looked uncertain.
"How do you not suffocate them with all the love you've built up in their absence?" George said.
Henry thought for a moment. "You don't," he said. "And that's the whole point - it works in a way it just wouldn't with other people." 

- Everything Beautiful Began After, Simon Van Booy

the disappearance of eleanor rigby.

"Where are we?"

"Some place good."

stories we tell//

Stories We Tell

This movie was so powerful & it will stick with me for a very, very long time. It was told so beautifully, from the perspectives of many different family members and friends of filmmaker Sarah Polley, showing the importance of storytelling and differing perspectives when it comes to the truth. It was a beautiful, moving documentary. Definitely a must-see. 

Check out: -- 17 Life Lessons From Stories We Tell

"I will go on."

Looking//understanding

"Do you ever just look at people? I mean, really look at them," he asked. 

He always had a beautiful mind.

Today I went to a book shop and spent my lunchtime with the books. They're basically my best friends. I take in the smell, the beautiful covers, my eyes scavenge the blurbs, make a mental note of books that I want to read. There'll be a million of them now, worlds waiting to be read. Lessons waiting to be learned. 

I headed back to work, strolling Willis street in purple tights and a 50s style dress, "Another Day (The Art Of Flight)" in my ears, and I really looked at people. I looked at people who were in love, who were eating on their own, people who were alone but not lonely, people who were alone and lonely, people laughing, people with their own lives & thoughts going on beneath the surface. 

I have my own life & thoughts going on beneath my surface. I am going to love who I want to love & send that love out into the world. It will return to me one day. I know I am capable of loving and I know now that I am also capable of being loved.

am i a spoon or a dish?

"He looks at me like he's the spoon, & I'm the dish of ice cream."

- Prudie, The Jane Austen Book Club

the wrong one

picture this. you're sitting at a bar. a boy comes along, attracted to you, says words. says how beautiful you are, your smile, your hair, your eyes. says you're the nicest girl he's met. but he doesn't really listen, y'know, he asks but hears nothing but white noise. when you tell him what you're passionate about, he tells you what he's passionate about. does he really want to know what makes your heart beat everyday? or is he just trying to be that perfect guy, just trying for something he wants, the prize, not the girl, not the things that make her happy or sad, the movies she can watch over and over again, the songs that make her bounce in her step as she walks to work or makes her cry at 2pm in the afternoon, her family, where she's been, what makes her tick.

but sometimes, it takes other people to show you what you want. who you want. to push you gently in the right direction of the person who really cares about those little things.

i'm simple as a bee

"There are more wishes than stars."

- Harper Simon

.

I am afraid of:

large waves,
bees,
earthquakes,
people walking very fast behind me,
losing someone i love,
whitetail spiders,
drunks on the streets of wellington,
public speaking (but it is getting easier!),
vulnerability,
putting all my eggs in one basket,
bungee jumping.

"If they don't know you personally, don't take it personal."

- Khleo Thomas

To you.

To the boy who gave me a bite sized bruise on my thigh,

I love you & I wish I could be enough.

To the girl who is sick,

Thank you for always making me laugh.

To the girl I hardly see,

I miss you. Let's hang more! 

To my mum,

I wish I got to watch One Born Every Minute with you. I cried watching it tonight, & I knew you'd be doing the same miles away.

To my sister with two babies in her belly,

I need to come visit you! Also I'm planning to go overseas next year but I am afraid to miss out on the twins first year. 

To my sister with one baby in her belly,

We've all noticed you've changed. Come back to us.

To my team leader,

Thanks for believing in me & giving me inspirational pep talks.

To dad,

I miss your optimism and Milo's. I also owe you money but I'm broke and I'm sorry!

Again, to the boy I love driving aimlessly around with,

I feel like you don't know how much I care about you because I care about a lot of people. That's just who I am. You mean more to me than most people I know. 

& I wish you were happy with the way I am. Because I'm happy with the way you are. 

Yes!

"Goodness gracious, I can't seem to stop

Calling you up,

Calling you up just I keep crawling to your arms." 

- Ellie Goulding, Goodness Gracious

my recent life in photos:

kitten is now longer a kitten! gosh she was tiny here. 

went into a shop for shopping. came out inspired. 

snapchat action with my mama at my uncle's 60th. 

dolled up with my friend. nights out at boogie wonderland!

indoor soccer tournament with my lovely & brilliant workmates. 

camp wairoa, le sister & her husband. 

sushi! my favourite. this is in tauranga over christmas. 

this is our backyard. beautiful huh? my dad stands next to two beautiful austrian tourists. pug also included. 

cute pug is cute. 

mount beach is quite possibly one of my favourite places on earth. 

my friends & i played scrumpy hands for the first time. we regret it and can't remember most of the night...

besties :) 

quiz nights at work! 

colour run! so much fun. 

kate & i at the john mayer concert in auckland. he played 'your body is a wonderland'! #happy

ebony & ivory. 

fish & chip nights with this awesome guy. 

jenga with my workmates. more fun than i ever thought i'd have playing jenga. 

workmates are more than that. they're definitely my friends. 

#asian night

Finally watching this movie.

"Enjoy your life, little lady. You've only got one."

- Dallas Buyers Club

truth

"Maybe you have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be." 

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City

Like Elsa, I think I have to let go. After a long hard week, I've had this weekend to really think about things. What I've been, the flaws I can help, the flaws I can't help, and the things in life that have held me back.

It's time to move forward. 

le film.

movies i must see:

a million ways to die in the west,

the trip to italy,

belle & sebastian,

chef,

sunshine on leith,

the grand budapest hotel,

stories we tell,

inside llewyn davis

my brooklyn,

fantail,

the fault in our stars,

what we do in the shadows.

more to come! 

i've got something in my throat

Sometimes I just want someone to hold me. To curve their body into mine, into the perfect spoon. To just sleep with their breath in my ear, their hands across my breast, close to them, so close but so comfortable. To know that they're there. That when I come home, I will have someone to keep warm. Someone to rub their feet against mine, telling me about their dreams, telling me whatever is on their mind, making me laugh, making me feel...

I want to feel wanted.

Needed.

Like it's just natural to be together when you are. You fall into each other like it's the only way to be. No drama, no jealousy, no anger. Just the idea that you both want and need each other the exact same way.

"Oh, there's a hole inside my boat. 

I need to stay afloat."

Staring at the stars

"Are you okay?" She asked, as I was staring into space.

"I'm fine. Just lost in thought." 

"Who were you thinking about?" She teased. 

"No one," I changed the subject.

But I was thinking about someone, and how I was sorry, and how I missed them, and wanted their arms wrapped around me, and for us to fight about it, and sort it, and kiss it better, and for them to know how I'm feeling and that I'm sorry and sad. 

I really do wear my heart on my face. It says it all.

show me the money!

“My whole life I’ve been trying to talk… really talk. But no one wants to listen.”

—	"Jerry Maguire", (1996, Cameron Crowe)

I finally saw Jerry Maguire.

I loved it. I didn't know what to expect. But I fell in love with it, and Cuba Gooding Jnr.

The transition.

"I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest."

- Azra.T “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First"

Ain't that the truth.

Little lost one.

I tell myself it is always okay, I get used to your hand in mine and your kind words. In my mind that is how it will always be. I'm home.

In reality, it can be taken from me just like that. I can't get comfortable. I need to realise that my heart is there for the breaking. It's there, on my sleeve. I've always been one to hide it away, only letting it show to those who matter. But now it's out there for the taking and the breaking. I'm vulnerable in a way I never thought I'd be. 

I'm lost and I want you to look for me. Please look for me. If you don't, I may just be lost forever. 

Get here.

I wish you out of the woods,

and into the picture with me. 

Double trouble

So, after trying for 2 years to have a baby, my sister finally got pregnant. Not with one baby, but with two. She's having twins. It is basically the best news I have ever heard in my life, and my response on the phone as I walked down a bustling Willis street on Friday night was "Oh my gosh, no, what! Sam...that's amazing, oh my goodness, what the hell, twins!" and then I started crying. 

Twins is a big deal. Twins is huge. My sister's stomach will be huge. We have no twins in our massive family. I have five sisters, and 7 nieces and nephews. No twins. So this year we will be welcoming three babies to our beautiful family. Two twins, and one non-twin who will belong to my sister Aimee. I love babies. Newborn babies are my favourite; their cries are even cute. They're too young to whinge, they sleep all the time and everything about their tiny bodies is so precious and miniature. 

I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant and alone and I was upset. For days after I couldn't stop thinking about it. I felt both negatively and positively about the idea of being pregnant, and it confused me. Of course, I want children. It's on the agenda, one day. But when I went on my run today, I realised that before I have children I want to have stories to tell my kids. I want to tell them about the person I was before them. Because that's who I am. I'm Jamie, and I am a person with a journey and stories to tell, and stories to accumulate. They will soon become my story too. 

So I will continue to live in the now, know that things will happen when the time is right. 

Also, twins! 

This ol' way.

Good night world.

you and me and this and i love you

You are every song that I've listened to for 3 years. Where was I before you? What did I listen to? You're this constant, you know, this constant laugh, this constant cry, this constant thing. I imagined life without you tonight and I was inconsolable. But that's what I have to remind myself about everyone. Don't take them for granted. You may not always be here, laughing at my jokes that I manage to nail, rolling your eyes at the ones I fail, consoling me, kissing me, hugging me, telling me the truth, pushing me, pulling me, spending too much money with me, motivating me, just being you with me. I want you to be here. I want it to just continue to be effortless, just being us, and being okay with it. I don't want an end in sight. I don't know where we will go and what we will be and what our destination is. But we're on this journey. Long or short, it's a journey. And I am okay with it. 99% of the time. Tonight is the 1% I am struggling. Tomorrow is a new day. I will be okay. 

we're half awake, in a fake empire.

"Turn the light out, say goodnight
No thinking for a little while
Let's not try to figure out everything at once
It's hard to keep track of you falling through the sky."

- 'Fake Empire', The National

If there's one song that makes me feel everything all at once, it's this song. So much appreciation. 

moods//playlists

my current playlist:

wake me up - ed sheeran
fake empire - the national
december days - tim hanauer
sara - fleetwood mac
so american - portugal. the man
show me what i'm looking for - carolina liar
bonfire heart - james blunt
dead sea - the lumineers
hard to concentrate - red hot chilli peppers
our own two hands - ben harper & jack johnson
back to you - twin forks
sea of love - cat power

My heart can break. When it does, it mends every time I look at your face. 

I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection, 
but please know: 
whether it’s the days you burn 
more brilliant than the sun 
or the nights you collapse into my lap 
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane. 

Clementine von Radics, “Mouthful of Forever”

the best.

"Save me, I'm lost, oh Lord I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost, save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for."

My latest fave for a road trip.
I want to show you what you're looking for, and save you from being confused.
Maybe it's right in front of you.
x

Blue Eyes.

"Why did you hire me, then?" I asked.
He turned his face to me. "Because you walked in, and I thought to myself that I had never seen anyone as beautiful."
I lowered my eyes to the chessboard.
"I knew when I met you that we weren't the same, you and I, that it was an impossible thing what I wanted. Still, we had our morning walks, and our drives, and I won't say that was enough for me but it was better than not being with you. I learned to make do with your proximity." 
- And The Mountains Echoed, Khaled Hosseini

"I'm so lucky to be alive, at the same time as you."

"You feel things," she said, smiling across the table at me. "Don't feel bad for feeling things or your emotions. That's what makes you, you."
- Conversations with Tara at Coffee Club

The Lanterns In The Lifeboat

"I am nervous. I'm afraid. But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you. I will play Russian roulette with your playlists. I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny. I will hold on until there is no more reason to. And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun."
- I Wrote This For You

Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.
—Jo Blackwell-Preston

walt mitt.

I'm seeing this movie soon, and I am so excited! Here's a lovely cover of a lovely song.

x

girls; summing up my life in my 20s in a nutshell.

When I broke up with my girlfriend from college — SO sad. I lost 30 pounds, and I couldn’t move or talk or get my dick hard. BUT, it also made me go, “Hey. Who am I and what do I want?” And then I was like BOOM. I know who I am. I wanted to switch majors, and buy a circular saw, and I promised myself that I’d follow my gut, no matter what. And I do what makes me feel good. – Adam

Sometimes being stuck in my own head is so exhausting that it makes me want to cry. –Marnie

I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. – Hannah

All that matters are that your rising signs are compatible, the sex is decent, and he supports you creatively. – Jessa

I really care about you and I don’t want to anymore because it feels too shitty for me. –Hannah

I just wish someone would tell me, like, “This is how the rest of your life should look.” – Marnie

You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there every day, even on the days you don’t feel like it. – Jessa

I’m a difficult person. Everyone’s a difficult person. She was accepting of my brand of different. She was okay with it. – Adam

Sometimes being really good all the time feels really bad. But I’m on a journey. It’s my journey and I’m okay. – Marnie

I think I just feel how everyone feels – which is like I have three or four really great folk albums in me. – Hannah

When we are together, he’s SO there, and he’s SO present, and then… he disappears for 2 weeks, and doesn’t answer any of my text messages, and I feel as though I invented him. – Hannah 

twenty fourteen!

Happy 2014, bloggers!

I welcomed the New Year with my family, chatting and dancing around the campfire. We are a very musical family (by musical, I mean we appreciate music. Hardly any of us know how to play an instrument!) and we cranked out all our favourite songs and Dad got way too excited by anything Billy Joel ("Let's ROCK!!!").

Of course, we had to end the night with "Daniel" by Elton John. It's become a tradition to play that song on New Years Eve. Last year I was flying back to Wellington on New Years Day, so my family changed the words "Daniel" to "Jamie" and had a huge impromptu sing along. It was the most amazing moment. So this New Years, we did the same and everyone sang, "Jamie my sister, you are younger than me...Jamie you're the star, in the face of the skyyyyy". It was magical. Mum made me go around and hug everyone goodbye as they sang, as I was driving back to Wellington early the next morning. I was happy, but sad at the same time. 

I drove to Napier alone with my music and singing voice. My new car didn't let me down, and was a trooper. The drive was beautiful, and the Napier-Taupo Road has become my favourite. I picked up my friend James in Napier, and together we travelled to Wellington with chats, music and laughs. What a great way to start the new year! 

So, here are my resolutions. For some reason, this year feels special. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel really good about it :)

1) Read more. I don't read enough and as a book lover, this is terrible. 
2) Go to the gym 3 times a week, and up the ante. 
3) Write. Write anything, that will hopefully lead to something substantial :)
4) Save up for more travel. I met these Austrian backpackers over the Christmas holidays and they really made me want to travel Europe!
5) Say what I mean, mean what I say. Sometimes I have trouble communicating the important stuff, and saying what I really mean. I'm getting better, and will work on it this year.
6) Be happy with whatever life throws at me. I will remain an optimist. 

I'm a firm believer in resolutions. I know people always say, they're always the same, nothing ever really gets resolved. But at least you're trying. And at least you're attempting to make a new start! Baby steps, people. 

Have a great twenty-fourteen, everyone! 

Love,

J